A car missed a junction and we collided. The impact jolted through me. My ribs were bruised, laughing hurt, and I could feel every breath. But what struck me most wasn’t the crash itself. It was what happened after.

People stood by taking photos. No one came to help. That moment stayed with me. It taught me that trauma isn’t only about what happens to you; it’s about what happens around you. The body can recover from a physical shock. The nervous system takes longer when it feels alone.

Trauma isn’t what happens. It’s what happens inside us.

We often think of trauma as something dramatic — war zones, abuse, sudden loss. But trauma can live in far smaller moments. It’s the body’s way of saying, “This is too much, too fast, and I don’t feel safe.”

When the body experiences threat, the nervous system moves into survival mode. Adrenaline floods. Muscles tense. The mind narrows to one question: Am I safe?

If that question isn’t answered with care, the body stores the alarm. It doesn’t matter whether the threat was physical, emotional, or relational. The imprint remains until safety is restored.

Understanding Polyvagal Theory

Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand how this works. It explains that our nervous system constantly scans the environment for cues of safety or danger.

Think of it as three main settings:

  • Ventral vagal (safe and connected): We feel calm, curious, and open. We can think clearly, listen, and empathise.

  • Sympathetic (fight or flight): We feel alert, angry, anxious, or driven. The body prepares to act or escape.

  • Dorsal vagal (shutdown): We feel numb, disconnected, or hopeless. The system goes offline to conserve energy.

There’s also a fourth state, often called fawn — when we appease to stay safe. We smile, agree, or over-help, even when it hurts us.

These states aren’t chosen; they’re biological. Our body moves through them faster than thought.

The body keeps the conversation going

After my accident, I noticed how my body stayed alert long after the bruises faded. Every horn, every screech, every corner triggered tension. My mind said, “You’re fine.” My body wasn’t convinced.

That’s the essence of trauma. The mind and body fall out of sync. The thinking brain knows the danger has passed, but the nervous system hasn’t caught up.

Polyvagal awareness is the bridge between the two. It’s the practice of noticing what state we’re in and what helps us return to calm connection.

How this shows up in everyday life

You don’t need to have been in a car accident to recognise these states. They play out in daily life.

  • You snap at your partner for interrupting — fight.

  • You can’t face the inbox — flight.

  • You go blank in a meeting — freeze.

  • You agree to something you don’t want — fawn.

We all move through these states. The difference is whether we notice and regulate, or stay stuck.

Healing begins with safety

Healing doesn’t start with talking about the trauma. It starts with feeling safe enough to.

Safety can come from:

  • a calm voice that doesn’t judge

  • predictable routines

  • slowing the breath

  • grounding through the senses

  • a person or space where your system can relax

In therapy, my focus is often helping people reconnect with that ventral vagal sense of safety. The goal isn’t to never get triggered again. It’s to know how to come home to yourself when you do.

Why relationships matter

Our nervous systems are social. Regulation happens through connection as much as through breathwork or mindfulness. A kind face, a steady tone, or gentle humour can bring a body back from panic faster than logic ever will.

This is called co-regulation. It’s why compassionate relationships — in therapy, friendship, or love — are healing. They remind your body that you’re not alone.

When we feel seen and supported, the nervous system loosens its grip. We can think again. Feel again. Choose again.

Moving forward with curiosity, not criticism

Becoming aware of your nervous system isn’t about controlling it. It’s about understanding it.
When you feel anxious, ask: What’s my body trying to protect me from?
When you shut down, ask: What part of me needs safety right now?

The moment you ask with curiosity, not criticism, something changes. The body starts to trust that you’re listening.

From collision to compassion

The car accident reminded me that trauma is as much about the absence of help as the event itself.
The same principle applies inside us. Healing happens when the parts of us that felt alone finally feel cared for.

Polyvagal theory gives us a map, but compassion is the road home.

When we understand how the nervous system works, we stop judging our reactions and start tending to them.
And when we do that — for ourselves and others — the world becomes a little safer, one calm breath at a time.