Many years ago I was working as a stage manager on a small show at Edinburgh festival. I had just left Central drama school and this was my first job. I had another job lined up after this, a UK tour of ‘The Lion, the Witch and the wardrobe’. I felt like I was in a liminal space; a gap between being a student and doing the work I had always wanted to do. Many things had gone wrong with the show. I was exhausted but had found myself to be a great problem solver, like every stage manager should be. Employed as stage crew on the show was my reluctant actor boyfriend, he wasn’t reluctant about the job; he was reluctant about being my boyfriend :)
I have a love of driving trucks from working with Stage electrics; I was driving the van down Princess Street, when something remarkable happened. I turned to smile at my boyfriend, who was filming the streets we drove down. A bunch of kids were standing on a corner about to throw an egg at the van. The tall one with the egg caught my smile and smiled back. The whole scene must have taken a moment at the speed I used to drive, but it seemed to last for ever. I was in a state of total completeness. Everything seemed full and alive. The repercussions of the feeling lasted a few days, even the reluctant boyfriend became engaged with me as a let go of our impending separation. I felt complete.
I know I had these awakened moments throughout my life. This wasn’t the first one, but it’s one I remember the most. An awakened moment is simply a heightened state of consciousness. I have used all kinds of methods to get to these places of expanded awareness: travel, sex, drugs, live music, lighting, dancing, day dreaming, meditation, sailing, walking, singing, dangerous sports, gazing endlessly at hot air balloons . All of these things work, but the fix is always over too soon. I have found now I can get to heightened states with intuition and curiosity, it comes with how I look and listen to my moment. I can make it happen at any time, of course not to the dizzy heights of an orgasm, my name’s not Sally. But I can feel that awakening where I am not separate from all that there is. We become the space in between the words and the words themselves and the breath. It’s nice to remember that even when life makes it difficult to be there, I can get back there, but just remembering awakening exists.
